


forsake thy memory and thy heart

by dumprurikawa (rakuenoasis)



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Denial, Drabbles, Gen, Please be gentle with me, What-If, i do not know how to write harugumi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24487219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rakuenoasis/pseuds/dumprurikawa
Summary: what if itaru left mankai after the first performance?
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru & Sakuma Sakuya, Chigasaki Itaru & Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	forsake thy memory and thy heart

**Author's Note:**

> two things:  
> 1\. i have never written a character that isn't natsugumi because my adhd ass hyperfixiates on them too much; and  
> 2\. i have never written harugumi in my life, nor did i ever have plans on doing such until the a3 anime came out

_**mundanity. (act 1)** _

There is a certain sense of mundanity that comes rushing back to Itaru, that is, when the warmth of his apartment greets him that very morning and he realises: _he isn't in the dorms anymore._

But Itaru doesn't forget. It's not like he got confused when he saw caramel ceiling instead of white or felt straight-from-the-department-store cushions instead of used ones that horribly smelled like dust. No. He knows where he is. He knows how he got here. He knows what went down, how he confronted about it, and the volume of the screams that drowned him even more as the building behind him shrunk every time he unintentionally turned around the closer he was to Veludo Way's exit. He remembers seeing the old apartment he had regrettably abandoned those two months ago and how the flurry of unexplainable happiness flooded him when he put everything back to the way it was before it happened. Before Izumi. Before Sakuya. Before Spring Troupe. Before Mankai.

Today however, he feels pretty much the same as usual. He opens up his phone and ignores the LIME groupchat notification of his former troupe. (Why haven't they kicked him out yet, anyways?). He sees the event announcement banner on his feed. He makes the schedule in his head: work until two, head to this business party he's been meaning to attend, stay until five, then rush back into the comfort of his blankets just in time for the event to start. Itaru's veins are pumped with an unholy combination of Red Bull and Monster. He'll be fine. Lack of sleep has never been a problem for him, except for the times when practises were long and the written lines on paper became much blurred in his mind.

But he's done with Mankai now. He doesn't have to worry about noisy, nonchalant people nor days of nothing but curry as the set meals. He doesn't have to go over lines that don't mean anything, words that have no sense to him nor movements and gestures that tired his fragile body. He doesn't have to lie in those dust-scened sheets anymore, thinking if what he's been doing all this time is right, if he can stay long enough to keep his interests at bay.

He turns off his phone and sighs, lets his head lull around until he sees the first rays of sunlight filtering through his curtains.

Mankai's in the past. It's over, long and gone, concluded, end of his little free trial. It's back to the real world for him now.

He slowly gets up and makes his way to the crooked door of his room, where he plans on going to the bathroom to relieve himself first.

_**repression.** _

The one person who's been able to keep him afloat all this time is his senior.

To his surprise, he sees him late in the afternoon where he finds him refilling his glass of water.

"Didn't see you this morning," Itaru remarks. "Thought you might've called sick."

"Just had some business to attend to," Chikage replies, pulling the cup of water from the yellow-ing dispenser before he takes a sip from it. "I heard you quit the troupe?"

Itaru could only chuckle nervously in response. "I guess it wasn't for me?"

Chikage smiled slyly in return. "Some things don't go as planned. That's life."

They both then hear ringing and let their eyes direct them to the pocket of Chikage's pants. Chikage takes his phone out swiftly, stares at the screen for a while, and seemingly accepts the call before putting the speaker on his phone.

"Yes...mm...right now...? Isn't that a little too...got it...mm...I'll see you, Hisoka."

He then puts his phone back into his pocket and begins to walks away not before leaving Itaru with an, "Looks like I'll be off for the next two days. Take care of my papers for me, alright?"

Before Itaru responds, Chikage is already gone from his sight.

Something crushing overcomes his system, but Itaru's grown too used to repression. He's learned to repress everything growing up: games, hobbies, disagreeable identity, words flurred around, shimmering striking eyes of a friend he could still painfully remember to this day.

So he represses and makes his way back to where he left off before a couple of his co-workers had approached to him, blocking his way.

Itaru does all that he can to push his irritation out of his expression.

"Itaru, is it true that you left Mankai Company?"

"Well, of course he would. It's a rundown company with a sorry slop of an excuse of a performance. Did you see Romeo and Julius? My eyes were only on Itaru the entire time. But everything else was terrible. The lead actor was the worst!"

He represses the Red Bull-like fueled anger in him, all the way to his mind until it hurts. He doesn't think about the wounds on Sakuya's fingers when he worked so hard to get the swordfighting scene right. He doesn't think about the growing eyebags on Tsuzuru as he finished the script with that prideful smirk on his face. He doesn't think about Citron dressed as Izumi, begging for him to stay. He doesn't think about Masumi's shine. He doesn't even try to think of Izumi.

He represses, remembers the pitch he should use in his voice, and smiles.

"It's for other reasons, of course. I wouldn't exactly put the blame on my former troupe mates."

He continues to smile, even as he goes back to his space.

He sits, breathes, and forgets a little more: of gathered faces sleeping on the stage, of poking fun around Citron's messed up Japanese outside of practises.

The screen in front of him burns his eyes. (It's never done that before).

It's time to get back to work.

_**voices.** _

The stream announcement had been rather sudden. Nevertheless, there were stil more than enough people who stormed into his NicoNico livestream, hyping him up for the new event of "Ranger Battle: Sentai Shōnen!".

Tiering his way to first place, even without the money, is a talent Itaru has. With all years of mobage experiences in his hand, he can easily identify how to make it to the top rank even if he's new to the game. It's why Taruchi, as a persona of the gaming community, has been thoroughly praised over and over.

(He opens the app and thinks to himself how, no matter what world he's in, he'll always be famous and God-like in the eyes of others. 

Itaru laughs at that thought and brings himself back to the game.)

"I got Battlia a few hours ago," he says, referring to the limited SSR in his main team. "Which is amazing because the rate-up was unrealistically high. I mean, who puts 0.03% as the rate? That's unfair."

His attention blurs from the commenters saying, "IKR WW" to the very first time Sakuya pulled for him. The image becomes clearer the more he remembers; the image of Sakuya's bright smile and clueless enthusiasm still clenches his heart. And for a moment, Itaru forgets to breathe.

"...Huh?"

He blinks again and then remembers where he is: in the dark room of his bedroom apartment with the screen and its flurry of comments in front of him, as well as the phone on his hands.

Itaru covers his slip-up and clears his throat.

"Ah, sorry. Just remembered something and got distracted. But yes. It sucks that this is literally a high-stake gambling system," He then pauses. "Not saying that no gacha is an opportunity for gambling because all of them are like that. But this one just blows, to be honest."

Itaru glances at a comment and nods, going back to his game.

"Yeah, gambling as a whole...even in life...is really the most cautious thing humans do on a day-to-day basis. Nobody knows what may happen later and it's scary. So you put your entire soul into an unsure future. That's why sadness exist."

He hums, seeing that he's about to overtake the second placer. Too easy. 

"Like when I..." He hears his word falter at the voice ringing in his ears.

Itaru couldn't make it out, at first.

The room falls silent again before he hears it again.

"I think Harugumi isn't such without one of us,"

Itaru sighs. "I know, Sakuya," He utters. "But..."

"The fact that you came out of your way to stay until the closing night of our first performance...even if you had so many chances especially on the day after you first announced about leaving..."

"Stop it, Sakuya..."

"I know that Itaru feels more about Harugumi than he thinks,"

"Sakuya, please. I'm in the middle of the game. You're going to make me pissed,"

"But Harugumi hasn't been so without you! Even if Masumi and Tsuzuru are annoyed by you, they missed the atmosphere you had. Even Citron doesn't know how to feel about it. But I know that deep down, you still love Mankai and Harugumi, most especially!"

"STOP IT, SAKUYA!"

He feels the hitch in his breath. The screen once again burns his eyes as he sees the floating word above the screen.

**L O S E R .**

"As expected, I can't really focus properly. Sorry, guys. 'S just some things that've been on my mind lately. I'll make it up to you with a proper livestream during the final hours of the event. Look forward to it,"

Before he could see the rushing flood of comments, he turns off the stream and then his laptop after whispering a, "Good night."

He throws himself to his bed, shuts his phone off and sleeps the voice away, only to drown himself in dreams of Harugumi making paper cranes together, of blurry yet friendly faces excitedly chatting to him, of a sword that he finds himself holding on a rundown stage in front of a full house.

_**mundanity. (act 2)** _

There is a certain mundanity that settles when the last of the cherry blossoms fall in time for the heat of summer. And Itaru being Itaru knows how to flow through it like water going into the gaps of rocks slowly. 

The articles and tweets on Taruchi not being himself stop. 

The voices have long since disappeared.

He still checks on the LIME groupchat every once in a while, but makes himself invisible so as not to draw attention. They talk about new members for a Summer troupe: a sharp-tongued designer, famous Insta persona, timid pink boy, triangle loving man, and Tenma Sumeragi.

And for that, he feels himself slumping for a bit. But the mundanity of his life has long settled into the comforts of it.

He should be able to move on. 

So he drowns out everything that's a part of that point in his life, and lets the mundanity of things shield him from everything else.

(He sees Tenma Sumeragi, all grins and twinkle-filled eyes on screen as he announces about his new acting career and activities in the revived Mankai Company.

He stares for a bit, then turns the T.V. off.

He unfortunately passes through Veludo Way for that day and hears people uttering. People uttering about the "good-looking man with blonde hair being an-ex theatre actor of Mankai".

He feels the hitch in his breath again and walks away, forcing himself to drown into whatever music is in his head that day.

He sees an apparent fan, asking for an autograph from the ex-Mankai actor and an explanation on why he leaves.

He gives Izumi's contact details instead and walks off.

He hears from his other co-workers about Chikage, something about attending a funeral, while others say that they spotted Chikage in black wailing in the middle of the street and that he was taken away by some other men in black afterwards.

Itaru rushes to the bathroom, tries to collect himself, remembers the breathing techniques that all the mental health enthusiasts in America love talking about so much. How did it go again? ...In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.

In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.

In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.

In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.

In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.

And he lets the mundanity take over afterwards.)

_**a conversation by the riverbank, two seasons later.** _

"Itaru, it's been a long time since we've seen each other!"

"..."

"Things have been going great, actually! I mean, it still sucks that you're not here with us. But everyone now has been more lively! We got a lot more people than we had expected. Ah, did you also know that Sakyo is with us now as an actor?"

"..."

"Mm. He may be scary but we all love him dearly as well, you know?"

"..."

"Anyways, how are things going for you, Itaru?"

"..."

"...I see. You must be happy about it, right?"

"..."

"Ah, I'm glad then! If Itaru is happy, then the six of us in Harugumi and Director are as well."

"..."

"Yes, we actually got two more members in our troupe. We got Tonooka and Chikage. They may be scary at first and they didn't see each other eye-to-eye. But a lot of things happened and now they're really close."

"..."

"Yeah. It was surprising when we found out that they know you, though."

"..."

"It's like getting two parts of Itaru with us. Sometimes, it feels like you never really left us."

"..."

"...ah...is that so...? I'm really sorry for taking up your time. You should take your leave now."

"..."

"Yes, Itaru?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...yeah. No hard feelings at all."

_**mundanity. (act 3, one year later)** _

There is a certain sense of mundanity that stays at Itaru's best and only falls apart when he turns around, lets his head look back on spring of two years ago when pairs of magenta eyes crossed his as he felt the roughness of the flyer on his fingers. But other than that, he's been doing mostly fine. He got promoted. He moved to a bigger apartment. He got updated models of his gaming systems and even a new car to boot. His life has been getting way too better for Itaru to believe it.

Until it doesn't, when he sees the giant poster in front of him.

He's heard rumours about it, people confirming that it was indeed true. But he couldn't believe that Mankai would be doing it. (He had left the groupchat last Christmas after a lonely breakdown of several hours, wishing in front of Santa for his life back once more. So it wasn't like he knew, either.) And he especially couldn't believe that it would be _Harugumi_ taking up that responsibility. For the old man to actually approve of a stageplay is probably the most absurd thing he will ever hear of.

His eyes burn again, but not because of the screen this time.

He forces himself to stare at the one standing in front: Chikage as Lancelot with his playful smirk, wavy green hair hanging from his head, and the blueness of his armor shining while he holds his sword mighty and proud. He then looks at Tonooka as Gawain, his contact lenses showing the redness of his eyes, the black armor perfectly fitting him in so many ways, and the grin he's wearing stretching up to his ears. 

He feels his breath hitch, and for the first time since two years ago, he feels the tears on his cheeks as he suddenly remembers that vivid dream of him wearing that exact armor while drawing out his sword in front of the crowd, screaming with might, "That should've been me!"

_"That should've been me."_

**Author's Note:**

> _sometimes, even if it's painful, even if it's excruciating, you still have to stay. humanity will eventually find their purpose here if they just learned how to wait for it._
> 
> and the honorary explanation hcs/notes of course:
> 
> \- the itaru crying scene still happened!! but this itaru was still in denial that theatre was also as fun as games because of the impact the latter had. he hated how it made him feel that way because he was afraid of theatre replacing video games, hence why he quit  
> \- tonooka as a harugumi member. what will he do  
> \- chikage as lancelot is an interesting take for me honestly??  
> \- the worker who said that sakuya sucked got fired. deserve
> 
> i planned on posting during walk with me, talk with me. but fully voiced kniroun came out so i took this chance instead 
> 
> follow me on twt @tentenyukki and maybe leave a little smth like a kudos or comment? c:


End file.
